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Fiance Me: *scratching my back with brush thing in shower* Hey darling, this back scratcher is awesome! Fiance: It’s an exfoliater. Me: What does that do? Fiance: You’re not supposed to use it wet. It exfoliates. Me: What’s that? Flatmate Me: Morning! I love that dress! Flatmate: What? Sorry, I’m late for work, I have [...]
I first wrote this story a little while ago after consuming rather too much coffee one evening when I was on a quest to become the ultimate hipster for a book. The book is now out and about, so if you’re keen to take a dip in to the world of HipsterMattic, here’s a little [...]
Chick on entrance booth: That’ll be a hundred and sixty dollars Me: Oh, sorry, I think you’ve misunderstood, I didn’t want to pay for the busload of Japanese tourists who are standing over there in the car park next to the bus. It’s just me and Rebecca here. Chick on entrance booth: Yes, it’s eighty [...]
American Woman: DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? German backpacker waiting on platform of Berlin Hauptbanhoff for train to Prague: Yes American Woman: FIRST CLASS! DO YOU KNOW WHERE IS FIRST CLASS? German backpacker: No, sorry American Woman: We’ve been trying to find first class. No one knows where first class is Me: Excuse me, sorry, I [...]
Me: Hey mate, do you want to go outside? Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: No, not really Me: Come on Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Nah, I’m cool here hey Me: Come on, I have to go to work, you’re supposed to go outside when I go to work Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: All good. Just going to chill on [...]
I’m a glass half full kind of person. I tend to give advertising, governments and anyone whose surname is not Milat the benefit of the doubt. I don’t look at Colonel Qaddafi and see an evil dictator, I see a man with a courageous sense of fashion and a proletariat problem. Spilt milk, for me, [...]
This article originally appeared on The ABC’s The Drum website. It was lunchtime, 1988. Grade two. Friday, right before sport. I’d just accidentally hit Alan Northen* in the back of the head with a seven iron whilst practicing my swing. I wasn’t very good at sport, in fact I have it on good word I [...]
Dear Dad, Imagine if there was a civil war in Australia. Not like the State of Origin dad, a proper civil war. With guns. Imagine if the indigenous population teamed up with all the other non-white recent immigrants in an attempt to remove white Australians from power in a game of black people vs. white [...]
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