Fiance
Me: *scratching my back with brush thing in shower* Hey darling, this back scratcher is awesome!
Fiance: It’s an exfoliater.
Me: What does that do?
Fiance: You’re not supposed to use it wet. It exfoliates.
Me: What’s that?
Flatmate
Me: Morning! I love that dress!
Flatmate: What? Sorry, I’m late for work, I have to go.
Me: I was just saying that I like that dress.
Flatmate: I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know?
Flatmate: What?
Me: I said I love that dress.
Flatmate: Oh! Thank you.
Me: Are all the tags supposed to be on the outside?
Flatmate: Huh?
Me: The tags. They’re on the outside. I think your dress is inside out.
Flatmate: S***
Dog
Fiance’s dog, Molly: Where have you been?
Me: Hey, I just had my book launch, it went really well!
Molly: You’ve been gone for almost two hours. This is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. I’ve been on the bed sulking the whole time.
Me: Sorry.
Molly: I did wee-wees in the corner as a protest. And not the corner with the newspaper, the corner with your hat.
Me: Really? You could have just gone on the newspaper.
Molly: You’re lucky I didn’t do wee-wees on the bed. I only didn’t go on the bed because it’s Mum’s bed. If it was your bed, I would have gone. You need to pay more attention to me.
Me: No, you’re right. My fault. Sorry.
Molly: I’m never ever forgiving you.
Me: Hey, look, Schmackos! Do you want a schmacko?
Molly: OMG!!!
Me: How is it?
Molly: OMG!!! AMAZE!!! GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OMG!!!
Me: OK.
Molly: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
Me: Do you forgive me now?
Molly: What are you talking about?
Me: Do you forgive me now, for leaving?
Molly: When?
Mum
Me: Hey Mum.
Mum: What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing’s wrong, I just thought I’d call to say hello. I haven’t spoken to you in a couple of weeks so I thought I’d call.
Mum: Oh, OK, I thought something was wrong.
Me: How are you?
Mum: Good.
Me: Good.
Mum: I’ve been thinking about that tattoo you got. Is it because we didn’t let you get the haircut you wanted in grade nine?
Me: No Mum.
Mum: OK.
Nan
Me: Hi Nan, guess what, I’m getting married!
Nan: Who to?
Me: To Rebecca.
Nan: Oh, lovely. Have your parents met her?
Me: What?
Nan: We’re off to the shops today, we need some new tea towels because the old ones are getting a bit frayed so we thought we’d buy some new tea towels from the shops. I was thinking of getting blue ones but your Grandpa wants red ones, so we’ll have to decide, but I think I like the blue ones. Do you remember the tea towel with the windmill on it? That was always your favourite. I thought we might get something like that.
Me: OK.
Nan: Your cousin’s boyfriend got promoted at work, he’s now foreman.
Me: OK, well, just letting you know, I’m engaged.
Flatmate
Me: Do the cushions on my bed look a bit, well, you know, gay?
Flatmate: No, the cushions on your bed don’t look gay.
Me: Good.
Flatmate: The lace draped over the four posts, on the other hand…
