Archive for November, 2009

Dear Neighbour


2009
11.15

Dearest neighbour,

I can appreciate that a home must be maintained and that there are times when it is absolutely necessary to swathe through large slabs of concrete with a power saw. I can only presume your decision to undertake such scheduled home maintenance at 7am this morning was your calculated move in the game of ‘Things that go bump on a Saturday night’ and played in response to my attempt to kick in my back door at 4am last Sunday morning. Being now my move, I would like to remind you that I have a number of rock and roll bands at my disposal, an after-show party scheduled in six days, and am currently experiencing my own personal post-punk revivalism, a phase I will be expressing sonically and with gusto.

I love you dearly,
Matt

Dear Dad (Imagine if you were an asylum seeker)


2009
11.11

Dear Dad,

Imagine there’s a civil war in Australia. The indigenous population teams up with all the other non-white migrants in an attempt to remove white Australians from power and remove any influence white Australians and Christians have over the country and its culture. Imagine if the aboriginal/multi-cultural coalition wins the war and they make life hard for white Australians. They kill lots of us, remove any influential white people from power, ban white books, white TV presenters, and generally make life miserable for anyone who is white or from an aglo-celtic background. They take our passports and ban us from travelling outside the country. They kill anyone with white influence or power in an attempt to prevent any uprisings against the new multi-cultural, non-white regime. Every white Australian is persecuted. Anyone who was/is a vocal supporter of white Australian culture has to try and leave the country or they will almost certainly be killed, we’re talking everyone from former police and miltary officers to librarians and teachers in Christian schools.

Imagine that you have been identified by the new regime as a member of a banned religion and a business leader and they want you dead because they fear you’ll try and lead a Toowoomba-based uprising against the new regime. You can’t just turn up at an airport and hop on a plane because you don’t have a passport and if you do you will be taken away and killed and your wife tortured. And you have a beard, which they’ll find scary. You still have your birth certificate and an out-dated drivers licence which you kept hidden, but they’ve taken all other forms of your identification.

You pray for a solution and you hear that there’s a small boat leaving from Broome and it’s heading to China. It’s operated by a people-smuggling operation. You’ve heard the Chinese don’t like the new Australian regime very much and have offered asylum to white Australians in the past. The boat sounds dodgy, but you know if you stay in Australia you will certainly be killed and your wife (I call her mum) tortured, so you decide to take the risk. You can’t speak Chinese, but you know enough about China to know that it sounds better than death and torture in Australia. You’ve heard there’s a large community of white Australians living there and you decide to go for it. You get to Broome and meet up with 80 other white asylum-seekers and get on a tiny boat. You’ve never met any of them before, but one of them says he’s spent some time in Hong Kong before and he can speak the language. He’s the only one who can speak Chinese, so you decide he can be the one who does the talking when you get there.

You make the voyage and arrive in Chinese territorial waters three weeks later. They tell you to go away because they’re full and threaten to sink your boat and lock you up on a remote rat-infested island in the scorching sun and throw away the key. None of you can speak Chinese, so you ask the one guy who can to try and convince them to let you in. His picture ends up in the paper and the Chinese media finds out he was once convicted of armed robbery in Hong Kong and there is a massive public outcry. Stories run on the Chinese version of Today Tonight and the public decides there’s no way in hell a boat full of armed robbers from Australia should be let into the country. Every other country in sailing distance says they will sink your boat if you enter their waters because they don’t want armed robbers anywhere near them and they’re full anyway.

The Chinese navy tows your boat back to Australian waters and your are met by an Australian naval vessel manned by the new regime. As soon as the Chinese vessel is out of site, they take you all prisoner, ferry you away to a secret military base near Darwin, torture half of you to death and send the other half to a forced labour camp where you build railroads in the desert for the next 20 years.

Oh, and they make you cut off your beard.

That’s what we’re dealing with here dad.

Matt

peter granfield wrote:

> A copy of an article in a Cadian newspaper, sent to me by my Canadian friend.
> http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=2203768
>
> Tamil refugees with Canadian-Oz connection – shows you these guys are playing with us – none should be accepted. Way haven’t we had this on Australian TV?

Dear Ben (banG)


2009
11.08

(Conversation courtesy of MSN Messenger)

8:04:29PM  Matt: so I locked myself out of the house this morning/last night
8:04:52PM  Matt: got home at 9am and tried to kick the door down before crying on the porch
8:04:54PM  bang: ohh that’s the first time you would have really missed having a gf in brisbane
8:05:01PM  Matt: nice little life experience there
8:05:03PM  bang: faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark
8:05:07PM  bang: haha
8:05:09PM  bang: how was it?
8:05:33PM  Matt: yeah, I left the house without the keys, had to sleep at the party cause I had nowhere to go, had to walk home cause I had no money
8:05:42PM  Matt: it was a low point
8:06:00PM  Matt: jesus christ though, my low points aren’t that low
8:06:21PM  Matt: I wish I’d seen myself on film though, trying to kick the back door in!
8:06:24PM  bang: low points make the high points even higher though brother
8:06:28PM  bang: haha
8:06:28PM  Matt: and then giving up and laying on the ground crying!
8:06:33PM  Matt: lol
8:07:27PM  Matt: and the door banG. The fucking door
8:07:29PM  Matt: hard bastard
8:07:40PM  Matt: have you ever tried to kick a door in?
8:07:44PM  Matt: like, a proper door
8:07:51PM  Matt: with deadlocks and shit?
8:08:03PM  Matt: almost broke my foot
8:08:14PM  Matt: the boots held up though
8:08:16PM  Matt: I was proud of them
8:08:24PM  bang: hahaha
8:08:27PM  bang: that’s perfect
8:08:31PM  Matt: the door now looks like my foot though, only in reverse
8:08:39PM  Matt: kind of a hole there
8:08:50PM  bang: did the neighbours not do anything?
8:09:00PM  Matt: a baby started crying
8:09:20PM  Matt: I presume the rest of them presumed it was me and I had just come home after a big night and had locked myself out of the house
8:09:30PM  Matt: or I was doing some sneaky woodwork
8:09:36PM  bang: the rational response.
8:09:38PM  Matt: knocking up a table or something
8:09:48PM  bang: hahaha
8:10:02PM  bang: building a vege patch
8:10:17PM  Matt: I was thinking about doing that
8:10:22PM  Matt: I planted some mint in the front yard
8:10:24PM  Matt: nothing
8:10:31PM  Matt: fucker died in two days
8:10:44PM  Matt: I had all these mojitos planned
8:10:45PM  bang: yeah that would be sick to grow your own shit
8:11:00PM  Matt: time for another mojito now methinks
8:11:12PM  Matt: Sarah’s flatmate has the sickest basil
8:11:22PM  bang: how was that by the way?
8:11:24PM  Matt: everyone’s growing basil these days
8:11:26PM  Matt: what?
8:11:31PM  Matt: tasty
8:11:32PM  bang: sarahs shindig
8:11:34PM  Matt: oh